SPA
Palazzo Santa Croce, sleeps 8
Tragically, you'll have to do with just the five levels of Santa Croce, but, from top to bottom, it does its best to take your mind off your hardship. The rooftop garden, with citrus and fig trees, and a shaded gazebo, will provide relief for the claustrophobic; the baroque bedrooms, with their panelled, frescoed ceilings and outsize mirrors, will ease your suffering slightly; but if it all gets too much, just trip down to the spa. Sorry, did I say spa? I meant pampering palace, with heated pool, fountains, lumbar and cervical massage jets (don't ask), Turkish bath, sauna, massage room and relaxation lounge with plasma telly. Picasso and Steinbeck slummed it here, and survived the experience.

WINE CELLAR
Villa Verriere, Cape Town, sleeps 8
In 2007 South African wines scored 12 gold medals at the International Wine Challenge in London. Of those, two came from the Kleine Zalze wine estate, in the Stellenbosch area. Villa Verriere sits merrily in the middle of this rich vineyard country, and has its own wine cellar, in which tastings can be organised. So if you indulge in a little surreptitious swallowing there's (a) nobody to tell you off and (b) not far to go to bed. In fact, there are 106 wine estates within a half hour radius, so you'll not go thirsty, and the award-winning Terroir restaurant is nearby. The villa also has a home cinema and a 12-seater spa bath.